


All you ever wanted

by karcathy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-11 13:59:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karcathy/pseuds/karcathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose might be married to John, but she loves Kanaya, even if she doesn't know it yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All you ever wanted

You met John in college, and married him just after – partly because he loved you, and you thought you loved him, and partly because everyone thought you should. It took you four years to realise you didn’t love him quite the same way he loves you, but by then you had a life and a home and a daughter – and a son on the way – so you stayed, and by and large, stayed happy.

 

You met Kanaya in college, too, and stayed close friends for years before becoming something else. John liked her, too, and that just made you feel guiltier later. She was your chief – and only – bridesmaid, and the only friend – apart from John – you’ve stayed close to since college. She loves your precocious two-year-old to bits, and little Roxy thinks of her as a second mother.

 

When you give birth to your son, it’s the middle of the day and John is at work – and later he tells you he hates himself for not being there, and you have to reassure him that it was fine, Kanaya was there, and he couldn’t have known the baby would come early – and Kanaya is with you, holding Roxy in her lap and your hand in hers. She smiles at your newborn son, and the nurse assumes you’re together, and for some reason, you don’t bother to correct her when she tells Kanaya she must be proud of you. You call the baby Jake, and Kanaya takes you home. She looks after Roxy whilst you rest, and you forget anyone ever thought you were anything other than friends.

 

Jake is five, and starting school, by the time anything happens. You take the day off work to take him to school and pick him up afterwards, and Kanaya goes with you.

“Goodbye, sweetie, have fun,” you say, hugging Jake quickly then letting him go.

He smiles nervously up at you, but Roxy takes his hand and leads him towards the school building.

“School is fine!” you hear her say as she walks away, “I’ve been going for _years_.”

You smile, a little sadly, and Kanaya puts her arm round your shoulder.

“He’ll be okay,” she says.

“I know,” you say, shaking your head, “It’s just... strange. Not to have them around, I mean.”  
She nods understandingly, and stays with you as you watch your children disappear.

“Do you ever want kids?” you ask, as you walk back home.

“I don’t think so,” she says, her voice calm and measured.

“I suppose you get all the best parts of parenthood with Roxy and Jake,” you joke, your voice a little shaky.

“Not all,” she says, and gives you a cryptic little smile.

 

Back at home, it feels weird, having no work to do and no children to watch out for. Kanaya stays with you, and silently watches you as you pace anxiously, searching for something to do.

“Relax,” she says, eventually, beckoning you over to the sofa.

“Sorry,” you say, sitting next to her.

She smiles, and takes your hand, gently stroking the back with her thumb.

“I should have gone to work today,” you say, sighing.

“You just need to take your mind off the kids.”

You nod distractedly, then smile.

“Have you ever wanted to get married?” you ask, trying to remember whether Kanaya has ever mentioned any sort of relationship.

“Once,” she says, with a little smile you wish you understood.

“You’ve never mentioned any-”

“There was someone,” she interrupts, “In high school. It didn’t work out.”  
“And after that?”

“Just one person,” she says, smiling sadly, “But it could never work.”

You glance down at your hand, entwined in hers, and the way her body is angled towards you, and remember how she’s always been there for you, no matter what, and suddenly you realise what she’s been hiding from you for all these years.

“Oh,” you say, your eyes widening, and she stares down at her lap, “I never... realised.”

“It could never work,” she says, with a sad smile, “You have John, and the kids.”

“Maybe it could work better than you think.”

She looks up at you with a shocked expression, and pulls away when you lean in to kiss her.

“Rose, you can’t,” she says, shaking her head, “Not for me.”

“What about for me?” you ask.

She gives you a little questioning look, and you sigh.

“I haven’t loved John like that for years,” you explain, with the same sad smile as her, “I still love him, and want him to be happy, but I don’t think it’s ever been like that. Not really.”

“You still can’t,” she says, looking troubled, “What about the kids?”

“They don’t have to know. John doesn’t have to know. It can be our little secret.”

“Could you live like that?”

You never had an answer for that, even years later. It didn’t exactly work out like you thought it would.

 

Kanaya left after that, saying you both needed time to think, and you picked up Roxy and Jake on your own, both of them asking after Aunt Kanaya.

“She had to go home,” you say, herding them homewards and dragging Jake out of the road, “Watch where you’re going!”

“I’m fine,” he complains, yanking his hand out of yours, as Roxy asks “Why did she go home?”

“That’s her business, not yours- Jake, stay _out_ of the road!”

“It’s his fault if a car hits him and he dies and gets blood and guts and brains all over the road,” Roxy says, smirking, and Jake hops out of the road, looking a little scared.

“Car’s not gonna hit me,” he says, looking up at you for reassurance.

“If you stay out of the road, it won’t,” you say, smiling and holding your hand out to him.

He takes your hand, a little reluctantly, and you walk home without mentioning Kanaya again.

 

Two days later, you still haven’t seen Kanaya, and you’re starting to worry. You decide to drop by hers after you drop the kids off at school, knowing it’ll probably make you late for work but thinking Kanaya is more important than your job.

“Hi,” you say, as she opens the door.

“Hello,” she says, a little cautiously.

“So I’ve been thinking,” you begin, still standing in the doorway.

“And?” she asks, looking a little hopeful.

“I think I’d like to try this,” you say, motioning between the two of you, “And see where it goes.”  
She hesitates, then moves towards you, a little nervously. You pull her into a kiss, short and chaste and nervous, then step back.

“I’ve got to go to work,” you say, turning to leave, “I’ll be home by four. John isn’t back ‘til six.”

“I’ll see you then,” she says, smiling and waving at you as you go.

You’re late for work but you don’t care.

 

You half-expect Kanaya to be waiting for you when you get home, but you’re disappointed. You leave Roxy and John to play upstairs, and sit in the living room, flicking between shopping channels and listening out for the doorbell. You jump when it rings, and answer it with a smile.

“Hey,” you say, your voice practically a whisper.

“Hi,” she says, equally softly, “Are the kids here?”

“Upstairs. I thought we’d leave it a bit before telling them you’re here.”

She nods, smiling, and you sneak back into the living room, feeling like rebellious teenagers out past curfew.

“So, how long have you... felt like this?” you ask, sitting next to her on the sofa.

“How long have we known each other?”

She gives you a little smile, and you nearly laugh. You sit in silence for a moment.

“This feels so...” her voice trails off, and she glances up at the ceiling.

“Wrong?” you suggest, although you know it isn’t the right word.

“In the best way.”

She smiles, and you lean towards her, wondering whether you should kiss her. You can feel the tension in the air between you, like the air before a storm, and wonder whether these rains bring destruction or salvation.

“Can we really do this?” she asks, her voice barely audible.

“I don’t know.”

You lean in and kiss her anyway, and she kisses you back. She’s softer than John, and her breath tastes sweeter, and she’s taller, as well, so you have to lean up even when you’re sitting. Your hands slip around her slim waist before you can tell them to slow down, and they seem to fit around her perfectly. It takes the sound of feet hammering down the stairs to break you apart, as flustered and breathless as teenage virgins.

“Auntie Kanaya!” Jake shouts, throwing himself into her arms.

Roxy sticks her head through the door, pouting.

“Mommy, why din’t you tell us?”

“Tell you what, dear?” you ask, glancing up distractedly as you tidy the coffee table.

“That Aunt Kanaya’s here.”

“She only just arrived, sweetie,” you say, walking past her and through to the kitchen.

“But the doorbell went ages ago!” she says, dragging out the ‘a’ in ‘ages’ and turning to follow you.

“Did it?” you ask, deciding that faking ignorance is the best course of action.

“Uh-huh.”

You open the fridge, and start to rifle through the contents, making a mental note of things you’ve run out of. Roxy leans against the kitchen table, watching you, and you hope she’ll drop the subject of Kanaya.

“Mommy,” she says, and you swear internally.

“Yes, dear?”

“What’s for dinner?”

You have to stop yourself from sighing with relief.

“Pasta. Go get your brother.”

“Why?”

“Because I said so. I need you two to set the table.”

She stomps off, huffing, and you smile.

 

Kanaya stays for dinner, and throughout, you’re terrified John will notice something different. He acts like everything is normal – which it is, as far as he knows – and you know you’re getting away with it, at least for now. You realise you have more to worry about from Roxy than from John. Saying goodbye to Kanaya, you tell you’ll have to be careful, and she nods. She asks if you’re sure you still want to do this, and you tell her you’ve never been more sure about anything.

 

You continue to see each other behind John’s back, feeling like teenagers and giggling whenever you nearly get caught. John doesn’t suspect a thing, but then, you and Kanaya were always close, and you’re careful – usually, anyway. You’d have thought you’d feel guilty, but you don’t, so you feel guilty about not feeling guilty instead, and find excuses to avoid John. It doesn’t feel right, kissing him with the taste of Kanaya still in your mouth and the memory of how her body feels against yours fresh in your mind. If it weren’t for the children, you might leave him – but this is working perfectly, isn’t it?

 

Kanaya doesn’t quite agree. It’s a Saturday, just over a month after this first started; Roxy is at a friend’s birthday party and John is watching Jake play soccer, and you and Kanaya are taking full advantage of a free afternoon. She looks so much better in your bed than John does, although you feel a little mean just thinking that. Smiling, you lean over and kiss her neck, your hand gliding down her thigh. She pulls away, sighing, and pushes your hand off onto the bed.

“Rose,” she says, sounding serious, “I think we should talk.”

“We talk all the time,” you say, smiling and trying to kiss her again.

“No, really, we need to talk.”

“Fine,” you say, sighing.

You pull away from her, sitting up and hugging your knees to your chest.

“Let’s talk, then,” you say.

“This doesn’t feel right,” she says, staring down at her hands, which she’s twisting together in her lap, “What we’re doing. It’s not fair to John, or the kids, or you...”

“Or you?” you ask, in a quiet voice.

She doesn’t say anything, but you know she knows she doesn’t have to.

“Do you want me to leave John for you?” you ask, in that same quiet voice, and you know you would in a heartbeat, if she asked you to.

“No. Yes. I don’t know, maybe!”

She sighs, then looks up at you.

“You know we can’t keep doing this forever,” she says, and you know she’s right, “Sooner or later, John will find out.”

You just nod silently.

“And even if he doesn’t, well, what then?” she continues, sounding despondent, “If you’re still with John, what am I?”

“I know,” you say, burying your face in your knees, “I know. I just...”

Your voice trails off, and you sit in silence for a moment.

“Do you want me to leave him?” you ask again, looking up at her, “If you want that... If you do, I will.”

She twists her lips, her face a mess of mixed emotions.

“It’s not-”

“Don’t say it’s not fair,” you say fiercely, cutting her off, “Just tell me what _you_ want. Not what’s best for everyone else.”

She hesitates for a moment, then says “Yes”.

“And what’s stopping you from asking for that?”

“I don’t want to ruin your marriage,” she says, looking at the floor, “I don’t want to break up your family.”

“My marriage is already dead, and my kids love you,” you say, in a soothing tone, “Now what’s stopping you?”

“I don’t know,” she says, in a tiny voice, “Nothing, I suppose.”

“I’ll talk to John,” you say, smiling and kissing her on the cheek.

“Call me,” she says, standing up and giving you a small smile.

“I will.”

 

Talking to John is both easier and harder than you expected. It’s harder to bring up the subject, but easier to actually tell him. You don’t say you’ve been seeing Kanaya behind his back, and you hope you never have to tell him. You feel a little bad for keeping it a secret for so long. When you tell him you want a divorce, he asks why.

“It’s just not working,” you say, shaking your head, “You can feel it too, can’t you?”

“I guess... It hasn’t been for a while, has it?” he asks, looking up at you.

You smile sadly, not sure what to tell him.

“I thought about putting it off, for the kids,” you say, “But...”

“There’s someone else, isn’t there?”

His voice isn’t accusatory; it’s just a little sad. You nod silently.

“Who is it?”

“Kanaya,” you say, your voice barely above a whisper.

“Have you...?”

“We’ve talked about it before,” you say, deliberately misunderstanding him, “She’s been... She’s felt like this... for a long time.”

“And you?”

You hesitate, then say “I love her” in a tiny voice.

“How long?”

“I guess I always have,” you say, shrugging, “It just took me a while to realise it.”

He sits in silence, and you stare at your hands.

“I’m sorry,” you say, and he doesn’t say anything.

 

He moves out before the divorce is finalised, and into a tiny apartment. The kids stay with you in the week, and visit him at the weekends. You tell him you could sell the house and move somewhere smaller; you tell him Jake and Roxy could stay with him more often. He tells you they always liked Kanaya better anyway. You don’t have anything to say to that. You wish there was a better way to do this.

 

A month after the divorce, Kanaya moves in. Roxy and Jake take it surprisingly well, and Roxy goes around telling everyone she has two mommies now. You tell her she still has a daddy, and that he still loves her. She says she knows. You don’t tell her he still loves you, but you think she can guess. Sometimes you wish she was a little less precocious.

 

It doesn’t end there, of course. Life never does. You wouldn’t say it just got better from there, either, but it didn’t get worse, either. It just went on. And, really, that’s all you ever wanted.  


End file.
